I'm an anarchist and I uh recently joined up with these other anarchists. I think I'm like their leader now.
We decided to abolish taxation by uh protesting it so I've started collecting money from everyone in the group to pay for our protests.
We've been uh trying to gather more anarchists to protest with us but there's been alotta debate about how we're gonna do that. One guy thinks we oughtta like make a website and stuff but this other guy's all "Websites are so governmental. Let's just hang posters up everywhere." Everybody started taking sides and the fighting got real chaotic so I just had to make everyone take a vote. Turns out the most popular method wanted was to
I'm a vegan and not because it's cool. It's like the least coolest thing you can be. I know my brother hates it cuz every time I see him he's like "Let's order a pizza! aah, yeah, nevermind." And then every time we go into the same half-hour conversation about what we're gonna eat, in which I have to pussyfoot around with my stubborness as hidden as I can make it just so I don't piss him off cuz then we wont get any food at all or he'll just go get food without me.. So he always asks "Where ya wanna go?" as if he'll actually listen to my answer. But no matter what restaraunt I say first, he will always say "no" because even though I'm the stubborn one in his eyes, he's actually equally stubborn. So he'll say "Let's go to Subway. They have veggie salads." And every time I have to tell him in addition to me being a vegan, I also hate salads, which really pisses him off. "You're vegan, but you don't like vegetables? What the fuck?"
I really hate people who describe themselves as lovers of music. It's like saying I love money. Or I love sex. I mean, gosh, that just so defines you. It's not like every single person in America has a radio in their car because they actually enjoy listening to music. It's not like every person in America has a job because they actually like having money. And certainly we can ONLY have children because the world needs mooore people! Sex has nnnooothhiing to do with it! Pfffft. How rediculous!
So I recently got this tattoo of a V. No, it doesn't stand for vagina. Stands for vegan. I know what you're thinking, though, and, no, they're not the same thing. Vegans are not only a bit rarer, but they also aren't usually
A lot of people say to me, about my tattoo, "Well what if you ever aren't vegan?"
I've begun answering this every time with the same answer, "I'll take my knife..my tofu cuttin knife..the sharpest one I have..and I'll SLICE it off and fry it in with some chicken legs and I'll eat dat sumbich! That is some gooood meat right there. You see tthis boney rist? It looks boney but it'd be so good." Or I could just continually
I like
My dad was watching Spongebob the other day, laughing his ass off. I thought he might have smoked some of my weed, but, to my dismay, he was totally sober.
Meantime, my 40 year old mother was lying on her heating pad watching a lifetime movie. I hoped she was sober enough to change the channel, but she didn't. Then I'd remembered she'd spent her last penny on the tv, so she was sober.
Me
Batesville. It's a dry county. In Arkansas. Thus you already know its a place run by southern baptists, where, yes, black people and Halloween are obselete and no one can tell you what obsolete means. Fortunately, though, there is a chicken plant in town directly across from the KFC buffet, which seems to indicate that the fragrant scent of dead chickens and chicken feces actually induces hunger. And that white people do actually like fried chicken. Of course, that can't be admitted- "I aint like them niggers"- which is why they can actually have a KFC in Batesville- no anti-racist blacks are gonna be traveling through this predominately racist white trash dump in the middle of the fuckin sticks where they'd sure as hell get lynched if the pointed out "Hey! You like fried chicken, too!" "that thar nigger jest sayd he likes my damned chicken. That's MY chicken Nigger!" Yeah that's some scary shit. But you know what's scarier? Fuckin' Halloween. Now that shit's satanic in Batesville. Unless you wish unto yourself the everlasting condemnation of every baptist in Batesville, don't go trick or treating. And you sure as hell better not be a vegetarian. Now vegan, like me, I'm a vegan, that's different. Nobody in Batesville knows what the fuck a vegan is, so as long as you don't tell them, they'll remain too stupified to actually harass you. Now I have made the mistake of explaining that a vegan is indeed a person who does not purchase any animal products, however, that obviously wasn't specific enough because they still failed to register what it meant. "You don't ayt mayt? What aboyt meelk? You can't leeve without miyulk!"
And now that I live in Little Rock, I can shop at Whole Foods which has like the most variety of foods a vegan can get. Whole Foods, though, really has
High school. It's where you get educated..on how to functiiioooon in societtyyyyyy. For example, how to get drugs., And work ethic. how to get away with doing the least amount of work possible, how to play hooky, how to make gooood chooooices ya know. And nowadays schools are run by people who really, really care about these kids. Why else would they be teaching
So I was in health class the other day- and I'm like the only junior in that class-everybody else is a sophomere so I kina feel like fuckin Billy Madison- well we had a speaker come in talkin to us about drugs and railroad safety type shit. Now I can understand them deterring us from some meth and heroin-that's some scary shit- but I couldn't help but wonder why
I'm a christian and that's kind of a downer. Every time I'm enjoying myself it's like "Shit. Sorry Jesus." Cuz you know if you're religious and happy, somethins fucked up. You aint doin it right.
Another thing about christianity, it is by far the easiest thing to be hypocritical about. Cuz as soon as you get pissed off, you're going against the basis of your religion. And when you're a christian who sees this hypocracy in other christians and THAT pisses you off, then you're REALLY hypocritical. And I tell you a Christian is the fuckin hardest thing to be in the morning. I don't know about you, but I am not a morning person and the second my alarm goes off I'm pissed the fuck off!
It just feels so unfair that God doesn't have to get his ass up in the morning and worry about what the fuck he's gonna eat and how he's gonna pay for it and yet he expects us all to be a bunch a fuckin perfect goody two shoes and not get pissed when we don't have money for food! God doesn't know shit about being a human being- he's so fuckin spoiled to never needing money that he expects us, his VICTIMS, to never need it either! And yes we are his VICTIMS. Or else he wouldn't have made all this suffering bullshit.
And God finds everryy possible way to torment his victims, trust me. For instance, he always makes it so that the weather is just fucking wrong. Like, why can't he make it warm when I get out of the shower and then just kina let it graduuuallly cool off? No, no, he has to make so that as soon as I hop out the shower, I've gotta fuckin freeze to death and it's aaalways either too hot or too cold, and it's just his way of making hell on earth, just to warn us every second that hey, this heat? This heat motherfucker, is nothing. You feel that temperature? Yeah, fucker, that shit's waaay worse in Hell so you bettah fuckin be nice! What an asshole.
Jesus. America.
Facebook. It's heroine for kids. I mean, it's so fucking addictive that kids'll take their cell phones to school and update their status every class period. "IN EnGliSh!! OmGzzzz!! LoLzz!!! i HaaatE this class!!!!!" Shocker.
Texting. It's only fun when you reaaallly like the person you're talking to. Cuz you know, every text message conversation you have is the same goddamned one. "Hey. Hey. Whatsup? Nm u? Nm. Lolz." 30 minutes later. "Hey. Hey. Whatsup? Nm. you? Nm. Lolz." Wow, now that's high quality entertainment. And then you start texting somebody you like, and that's when the fun really starts. When your phone is suddenly bombarded with naked pictures of people who never look like that in real life. But then they ask YOU to "send a sexy pic" And wow that's some pressure. Ya start lookin in the mirror and realize "fuck, this dude would never bang me if he saw me naked in real life. Look at that fat ass! I haven't shaved my legs in three weeks!" so you just take your phone and kina zoom in on your "best features" and bam! Hot porno that doesn't reveal your cellulite. And they'll never have to see your cellulite! Til you actually meet up for sex which is never going to happen because if they really wanted to fuck you they would have called and not texted. Texts are only sent with one goal in mind: immediate porn. And since they're thinkin the same self-conscious shit you are, they realize just how truly shamefully awkward it is to meet up with your text-based lover in real life. Unless the naked picture texts are sent after a relationship has begun and in that case the female must realize that their lover doesn't actually give a fuck about "their relationship" because if he did he'd be with ya in real fuckin life woman, not avoiding everything about you except what he can jerk off to!
Texts are so convenient. Soo much more convenient than having to scroll all through your address book in your cell phone and pressing that damned button that's just so impossible to press- oh my god my finger just cramps on that one button- and then having to wait hours for them to pick up their fuckin phone and oh ever since that caller id shit came into business nobody ever answers my fuckin calls so I'd just have to be callin em all fuckin day cuz you know they aint gonna call back! But a text...now that's how you can get a response. If they dont have to hear your annoying voice and try to pay attention to just what youre sayin and how the fuck you say it and havin to reply right fuckin then, then they will take .5 seconds to glance at your text and not even put forth the effort to imagine the way you would actually say it, they might, if bored as hell enough, send a fuckin one word text back that MIGHT, MIGHT be all the information you need. And seein as how they dislike you enough to only text and never call you, you shouldn't be dependin on them for much more information than that!
Now I like to cook, but I'm not a very good cook, which makes me very greatful for the ease with which a lot of vegan food can be cooked. Well, it's SUPPOSED to be easy. All you have to do is throw those fake chicken nuggets in the oven, right? Just throw those veggie burgers in the skillet? Well, I have OCD. And when I look at those directions, I tend to get..a little too fuckin scrutinous. ...Uh how many veggie burgers can you put in the skillet at once? And how fucking much oil are you supposed to use anyhow?! Fuckin Christ, can't they just be a liiittle more specific? I mean, I don't want my burgers soaking with grease! And I sure as fuck don't want them to burn! SO two tablespoons? Three? What? I can't do this shit! Oh, I start to panic. ESPECIALLY if the directions don't tell me when to turn those fuckers over. Oh, I could NOT handle one side being cooked more thoroughly than the other! And when I put fries in the oven..Now that is a seventy-two minute ordeal in which I must seperate each fry at least half an inch from each other- else some will be soggier than others- and this always seems to end up in making only about ten fries per batch since I REFUSE to make more than one row of fries. THAT would be a disaster! So it ends up taking about two hours to get enough fries cooked for a meal. By that time, I'm stoned as fuck, since you know what are you supposed to do when you're waiting on food that's in the oven? So about half the time I just forget I ever put anything in the oven and when I do remember is only when I start fumbling through the fridge again when my munchies really start to hit me and then I'll fumble across those fries again- which will actually turn out to be an empty bag which I just stuck back in the fridge specifically for this purpose- and "ooh damn, oh yeah! Oh shit theyre burned!" But about eighty-three percent of the time this forgetting technique actually works pretty well, seeing as how I like me some crunchy ass fries. The other seventeen percent of the time...Well, that's why I got the fire dept. on speed dial, right?
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